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I just hate you so much!!

2007-09-12T12:37:00.000+08:00

I am nobody to you..
We are nobody to you..
You only concerned about yourself and your family.
You have made a clear picture and shove it to my face..
It's enough, you are hurting me badly
You always said you will protect me from anything
I'm the most important thing in your life
You care about my feelings the most
I'm the most precious thing to you
Heck, you wake me up from the dreams you have always made me..
Your sweet words no longer works on me..
Last time, whoever hurt my feelings or image, you will stand up for me in no time..
Last night, you asked me back what I want you to do?
It's funny to wonder why am I still in this shit?
You are afraid of trouble and things that may affect your ego..
You are always afraid..
What about me then??
I'm not made of steel or diamond or rock
I have feelings too but you push my feelings aside and only concern about yours
You cant stand people scolding me and now, you just sit aside and ask me what I want
I choose to be together with you, not because you are rich or smart
It's because the way you concerned about me, the way you care for my feeling, the way you pampered me..
Things have changed..
All matter to you now is your god-damn ego and how we are going to humiliate you in the future..
Since that's the case, get out of our life..
We no longer need you anymore..
I dont need you anymore..
I may be weak, but I dont need a weaker person to lead me in my life..
I need someone who is strong enough to hold my hand, and tell me everything is going to be fine.
You'll be fine with me.
Guess you are not the person..
I'm so stupid to wait for the moment to come..
The moment will never arrive I bet.
I'm just so dumb to let all this happen, dumb enough to love you so much till my feelings was put aside and left untouched.
You have teach me not love anyone more than myself, because I was dumb enough to put you as the first priority in my life..
I'm hating you more and more, cause I just love you too deep.

Another lost day...

2007-06-29T02:33:00.000+08:00

Mood havent been good.. feel like crying the whole day.. tired and sleepy but dont dare to fall asleep as my mind will start to work things out.. made me think of unpredictable future now..

Really dont know where should i head and go.. what decision should be made that will be correct?? The short cut or the hard way?? I just couldnt imagine it.. Both looks so far away and dark, not even a dim of light appear along the way..

Just really hope things could just disappear, but that's fantasy and not reality.. The reality is here and yet, we hope to turn away from it.. Things getting more and more scarier.. No longer i feel secure or confident of my way now.. Everything is in the state of blurness.. Sigh..

How many really do i have to repeat here?? No longer understand my ownself, losing the identity of me or losing the strength in me? Hope i could again find back myself and realise what i should do to work things out..

Finally......

2007-01-19T01:47:00.000+08:00

Class started... Yawn.. Sigh. I'm taking four subjects this semester. Two subjects does not require final exam while another two require final exam. Sigh. One require research paper and another require us to write long long essays.. Help!!! First week of class, one essay need to be done.. Help!!!! 3000 words for one essay?? Help...
I'm happy.. Finally, my relationship problem is solved!! Puzzle is solved.. I'm back with him.. Who? Who? You guess? Guess....... I'm back with Alvin. But first week of our relationship, arguments hit us for the last two days (like tornado). We have been arguing again but somehow, we managed to solve it. As usual, he is the one who always bully me. Nah, I'm just joking. If an argument happens, it's caused by both side. So, we always try to solve our arguments in every way. SIgh.. But, things has been sweet. People, thanks for your concern as i'm okay now or we are okay now.
Let's talk back about my college. I did something very stupid today. I was supposed to pay for my fees by using a cheque. As i was making my payment at the bursary, i filled the amount in a wrong place. Now, have to wait for my dad to bank in the money to college. My mom was screaming over the phone when i told her about the mistake i made. Phew.. Luckily my dad did not say anything about the cheque. If not, another scolding again.
Nowadays, i'm analyzing people around me. There are few of them wearing a fake mask. Therefore, i need to dump a few of them off. One of them, pretended to be my good friend; listening to my problem and the next thing, spreading about things that i mentioned to her which are supposed to be private and confidential. SIGH.. Wonder why such people exist in this world. How sure are we that the person who is right in front of us; pretending to be a good friend, concerning about our happenings and whoopss.... The person turned into a backstabber. Another kind is when they see you with some advantages (in the sense of money), they will come sticking to you. Not only that, they are curious about your income and wonder how you start your business; asking lots and lots questions about your business. Seems like they want to join in but i'm sorry, i do not open my business to anyone as i have worked hard to earn my success now.
Tired now. Gotta go back to sleep. Night people...

What a week...

2007-01-14T00:26:00.000+08:00

Huh.. It has been a hectic week with all my travelling to KL and Ipoh, relationship and my family's unsolved problems. My body and mind is exhausted.. You see, I have been so busy till i dont even have time to type my blog.. SIGH..
First, let's talk about my studies. I'm going to SEGI soon.. I was worry about my accomodation all the while, where to stay, how to go to classes.. Then need to explain to my parents where i'm going to stay, who is staying in the house too.. Bla bla bla.. That's why i do not have time for anything. Went around USJ 2 area; looking for a room. Found 2 rooms. 1 is a master bedroom, with air-con which requires rm 360 not including utilities. Another one is a small room, with a sofa, wireless-internet, with a ceiling fan which requires only rm 300; including utilities but what i do not like is the rules. I cant cook more than 5 minutes which means i can only do light cooking. If it's heavy cooking, i need to pay rm 25 more. Next, the small bathroom which is located downstairs. I cant even wash my clothes there. So i called my parents and told them about my options. Finally, i end up staying in Nilai and travel to classes.
Second, about my relationship. Yes, i have ended it. I know things are not fair to him. As he always said, things are just not fair for all human-being. I cant handle so many issue at the same time. Yes, we do have happy moments together but at the same time, i'm facing alot of pressure from people. People are judging my studies and my relationship. I need to take something off and i have chosen the relationship. I'm sorry for breaking his heart and hurting his feelings. But frankly, i do appreciate those moments. Not only that, i still miss alvin. No matter how he treated me, i have more happy moments with him. Though he may be clumsy at times, guess that is why i love him from the beginning till now. In order to think less, i just have to stop it. People, dont think you could understand the problem of ours (the three of us). It's too complicated for you to understand. ANd if you think you understand, honestly you dont. PLease stop spreading fake news all around. You want to know the truth? Ask anyone of us. We will explain.
Third, my family. They have been giving me alot of pressure nowadays. They do not understand how my program goes and works. No matter how many times i explained to them, they do not want to except and understand or at least try to understand. SIgh.. Now, they dont bother as long as i can finish my degree in this coming two years. But ..... too bad.. I dont think i will be getting a car. I thought of getting a car to continue my dog business. But, my dad..... SIgh,.. Guess i need to depend on my own to get a car. Sob sob.. Gambateh.. You can do it gal!!!
After i have gone through my relationship problem, i can understand who are my good friends who understand me and who are those fakers who pretend that they are listening to me but backstab me once i'm not around. Guess you know who you are. I'm not planning to explain or whatever things. Things are just too complicated to explain as well as feelings too. Thanks for those who stays on with me when i have ups and downs. For those who know you are fakers, please beware..
Here, i want to thank a person who has been loving me for so long. He has been there no matter how i have treated him. I gave him the ugliest sight of me, the worst moment in his life, the bad experience, the torturing feelings, and yet... his heart remains for me.. Thank you so much for loving me even i had treated you in such a cruel way. In this week, i have learnt that you are the best thing happened in my life. I will learn how to appreciate you... Give me some time okay?? I will prove to you... We are two of a same kind.. You know what i mean...
So, i gotta end here. Neck pain already. Gotta sleep too... Nitez people

Back then....

2007-01-04T16:31:00.000+08:00

Still remember two years back on the 4th of july, i went to nilai to start my studies. As i know, i have a few friends from ipoh. There, i got close to him. We were fighting in the car, teasing each other, snacthing my wallet, and playing pillow fight in a friend's room and your room too. During the pillow fight, you got lose and that's how you started to use your tongue to lick my nose.. Yucks... I could not imagine anything that could be more disgusting with the licking. Then, we were fighting using our tongue as our hands were holding onto each other. Guess that is how we have started our relationship.
But we are not quite sure whether we really like each other back then. So you pretended like nothing happen after the fight and i was quite angry about it. But late at night after we have celebrated our friends' birthday, you were supposed to fetch me back to college. Instead of fetching me back, you asked me to sleep with you and i did. However, you did not close the door in order to let your housemates know that we did not do anything in the room. Still remember one of your arm around my neck and another arm holding onto my hand. We slept till 4 plus in the morning and two of your housemate came into the room to take your water bottle. When i could not sleep that night, you comfort me by saying sleep la sleep la.. It was so comfortable.
We were supposed to go back to Ipoh the next day remember? But you told me that you dont want to go and i followed you then. I did not follow our friends to go back Ipoh. I stayed with you and we spent most of our time together. The only time we were separated was when i need to go back to college to bath and wash some clothes. You told me that you dislike my tongue piercing and belly piercing. You want me to take it off when you will stop smoking. So i took it off and you stopped smoking.
Your friends told you bad things about me. How i'm being a playgal and i'm actually fooling with your feelings. But you choose to believe in me and i'm very happy with you. You choose to believe in me. We sleep together, play games together, hang out together and eat together. Everything was perfect back then as we can spend hours in the bed, hugging each other while watching movies.
Not long after our relationship, you decided to buy me a pair of hamster as a symbol of our love. Somehow, after a few days, the hamsters were lost. They climbed out of the cage and ran off. You were sad that time remember?
Then, your friends started to boycott you because of me. They said you began to spend more time with me and left them aside. You no longer have time for them. They told you that i should move out of the house. We had a huge fight after that remember? We were arguing in the college. Anyhow, we managed to solve the problem and once again, you decided to choose me over your friends.
Practically, we spend most of our time at home. Every morning, we wake up knowing that we have each other beside. Though we are sleeping in a single bed and a room without a ceiling fan, i'm willing to stay with you then because i'm so happy being with you. While i'm cooking for you to eat, you will come from behind and give me this hug. I was happy then.
Remember in friendster, i told you there is this post about a good boyfriend. Remember what i replied? I already have him. You kissed my cheek before you left for classes. You give me a big hug whenever i see you. You were there when i need you. When i'm unhappy, you comfort me with your hugs and kisses. What more could i ask for back then?
As time passed, we begun to find more faults in each other, however we managed to cover up for each other. Each time when we go back to Ipoh, i will insert this lovely card into your laptop bag. We send lots sms to each other though we are separated. We could not sleep well when we are in ipoh.
Every little things we do for each other, we will reply with kisses or hugs. When i'm too bored in class, i'll send you long long sms to let you know how much i love you. You replied me with cute answer. Everything was so happy then. When you or me go back home after classes, we will greet each other with a big hug.
You told me you like a plasma ball. I went back to ipoh and bought u one. You were so happy then. You keep the ball like a precious ball, you spend hours looking at the ball.
During valentine, you bought the blinking lights to decorate the room. You bought flowers and present too. You gave me surprises.
When i started to like pets, you bought me guinea-pig but because i dislike them after a few days, you sold off one and kept one in your house. Then we started to keep rabbits. I cried alot of times because all the rabbits died. You comfort me then..
Though our room is small, i did not complain. I like being with you, i'm willing to stay with you.
I like the way you feed me, the way you hug me, the way you kiss me, the way you tease me, the way you take care of me.
From a small room, we moved to the room upstairs. We often had arguments in that room. But remember those time we play dota rpg till dawn? But staying in that room wasnt a good idea. We used to stay in single bed, but because we have two bed in the new room, we slept in separate bed, separate blanket. That is how the distance started. We often have ugly fights. We often cry too.
We decided to keep a hedgehog but finally we bought a shih tzu, bubu. Bubu is still quite young that time and he likes to stick to me. We were so happy with bubu's presence. He was naughty, cute and adorable. Remember the first time we bathe bubu? He went asleep after the bath. We were so panic and rush him to clinic. Luckily he woke up when we got into the car.
When we were free, we go to midvalley to have a walk. Though it is only a window shopping, we were happy walking around with each other's companion. We go for movies, look at animals and clothes.
Remember i saw this whole set of hello kitty cop for sale in mcd's? Saw it in the class and told you about it when you fetch me. What happened next? You fetch me to buy the whole set.
When you bought your new testpad, i use the cop to cop on your testpad.
No more housemate is willing to stay in the old house, we are forced to move to apartment. We pack and move the stuff together. We discuss how to put our stuff. I started to work when we move into the house. Things were different then. I no longer have time for us to spend together. I need to work to have extra money for us to spend. We no longer have time to watch movie or play games. We always have arguments.
Remember there is this time your mother came to kl and you will have to spend a night in kl? What happened then? I got fever for one week time.
We started selling puppies. You fetch me here and there. You support me throughout the business. You were there when business was having problems.
Back in ipoh, our relationship turned soar. You never fill me up with all your details. I never understand you. You never appreciate my presence. It makes feel like you no longer care. Our relationship is stable and it does not require any attention more. I'm hurt, disappointed. I thought you are the one who is able to take care of me, who will know how to appreciate me..
Yesterday, i went back to nilai. I thought i was strong enough to handle my emotion. I did not know i will end up crying in the house. Every item in the house contains our memory. We laugh there, fight there, smile there, cry there... I just couldnt stop crying until now. I did not know the memory is so deep and heavy. I thought i do not care anymore and i was wrong.
When i was packing, i saw the toys you gave me. The big teddy that you bought from watson, two of the winnie the pooh toys that you got from the picking machine (we spent rm 30 in those two) and the other one that bought from grand union. I thought of throwing them but i just couldnt do it. Remember the sparkling lights that you used to decorate the room? I took it too. The whole set of the hello kitty cop? I took it along. I couldnt stand being in that room again. I cried non stop in the house and you still need to ask me why.. I cried after i left the house. My eyes were swollen the whole day.
You smsed me, showing your concern. One second, you told me i dont deserve your concern. Next second, you say you have the rights to be concern of me. What you think i am? I have feelings also okay? I'm not faking my tears just to let you know i care. I'm crying in the house because i could not understand why a happy relationship could turn out this way? Everything was so happy at first but things turned out to be ugly. You said i'm the best actress in friendster, no.1 fakers!! You should know by yourself whether i was acting during the relationship. I'm truly disappointed here.
I'm getting tired of relationship. I'm getting sick of it. Can someone just throw away my emotion so that i could be more cold-blooded or at least heartless? I'm tired of being disappointed and i'm tired of getting hurt. Can you guys give me a break? I have been crying for two days. Is that aint enough for you guys to understand? I need a break..

Rainy day...

2007-01-02T18:32:00.000+08:00

It's 6.45 pm now and i'm still in ipoh.. HAhaha.. Was supposed to go back to pack all my stuff in my house in nilai. SIgh. I need to stay in hotel =< when i have a house in nilai.. Sob sob.. This morning, dont know what is wrong with mommy. Her face was in total black. SO SCARY!!! Scare the hell out of me.. Opps. i need to start my journey back to nilai.. Will continue this blog tonight..

Mind is wandering to somewhere....

2007-01-02T01:18:00.000+08:00

Woke up at 7 plus awhile. My dear's smses woke me up. (Not complaining here okay??) Chat with him for awhile through smses. Then I slept back till 11 plus. But i do remember my dad sneaking into my room to take two of my babies out, which are my puppies; BUBU and CHACHA. I know both of my puppies' name sounds funny. One called BUBU and one called CHACHA. One of my friends did asked me why i dont want to name one as AH LAK and another name AH SA. So when i call both of them, just need to call LAKSA. =P
Mommy woke me up asking "You want to eat brunch or not?? Your brother needs to work and his girlfriend has no clothes to wear, so she is gonna take one of your t-shirt to wear." SIGH!! What a lame day... Then when my mom was screaming on top of her lungs to wake me up, slowly, i got out of my cozy bed and walked out blur blur from my room... Yawn :O Started to talk craps with my mom.. Bla bla bla bla.. What happened last night.. And you know who I saw.. Like friends sharing gossips. :P So, i quickly wash my face, put makeup then clothes and ta da!! I'm ready for shopping.. Oh my god! Shopping again?? I'm broke.. Haha.. Not really broke. Just overspent last month, do hair, buy new clothes, accessories, makeup stuff and food. Hehe.. So have to save abit this month as chinese new year is coming.. ^_^
Hey, back to my shopping. I dont want to drive as i know they will be many drivers outside on the road there trying to get to their destination. I wont want to control my car's clutch for hours (stuck in traffic ma) Wont want to imagine that. Luckily, I have a driver.. No no.. Not my boyfriend but my brother.. Wahaha.. He's driving. So happy, got people fetch me go. Reached there and next, we were searching for food. Very hungry that time.. Because I was lazy to choose, i made a desicion to eat in kopitiam. Huh... Food sucks there... Dont know why got so many people there also. .Next thing, i was wandering around the mall with my mom and i bought a cap.. RM 32.90.. I'm broke and yet, i'm still spending.. hahah...
After that, begins my journey back to HOME!! Finally, i can rest my legs. So tired.. Planning to take a nap.Remember my boyfriend told me that he made a comment in this blog, so i went online again.. Whaha.. Ended up surfing internet for hours.
My dear called me when he woke up, that lazy piggy.. Sleep till so late.. But in the phone conversation, i made him SLIGHTLY IRRITATED because i was naughty.. Sob sob!! =< Wasnt feeling happy since then. However, he did call me back and i was happy again. Sigh.. Gals!!! Huh.. What to do? I love him more than he loves me.. Wonder he knows or not?? :?
Daddy said going out for dinner, brought my babies along.. And during the dinner time, there is this stupid miow miow (cat) trying to disturb my puppies. I got angry; started to throw ice and water at him. Too bad, he was not afraid of me..
Got back home, was planned to go out with my dear but i havent tell daddy yet. Was scared to tell him haha.. Surprising i managed to go out, but mommy's face was in black color d. Wonder what is wrong with her.. Mood like weather, one moment, sunny; one moment, rainy; next moment, windy and the next, lightning. Maybe either me or my brother will ended up with GODLIKE strikes!!! Better run out of the house quickly.
For my title of this blog, yes. My mind has been wandering off.. Guess my dear noticed it just now. Sorry dear for making you unhappy if i did unconciously during the time when i was with you. Too many things in mind; i know you told me that i shouldnt be thinking of the problems but it's just hard to control. But i do appreciate that few hours with you. I was very happy being with you, you were making me laugh happily. Well, i'm trying to figure out all my problems at the same time, so i guess i'll end up being in this situation now. Accommodation problem, business problem and studies problem. Oh ya, added another one, mommy problem.
I'm trying to handle all ISSUE at the same time.. Not an easy job.
Anyway, i'll continue the battle. Let me recharge and i'll be ready soon to handle all the issue in a separate time. Hahaha.. As long as my dear is there to provide me support, there is nothing that i cant handle. I just need some time and space for me to figure things out. Will stay strong. Mind is switching off now. Tired!! Guess i need a good rest for the big thingy tomorrow. Will keep you guys update somehow.. Byez

P.S: Love you dear and thanks for being with me when i need you!!

Happy New Year!!!

2007-01-01T02:38:00.000+08:00

It's year 2007 already. I just cant believe that time has passed so fast. Now it's 2.34 am. Why am i at home? I just came back from the countdown but my eyes doesnt want to rest. That is why i made this blog. What is my new year resolution? I never thought of getting one. Wait!! Hmm...Maybe i could list down a few here..

1) Stop being so indecisive!!! Do have the courage to make a decision no matter what is the
outcome of the decision. There is no point, standing there and waiting for the decision to be
made.. No such easy things in life.. Be confident in yourself, believe in yourself!!! Trust
yourself that you can do it gal!!!!
2) Dont be too sensitive!!! Dont have to bother by what people said or mentioned afterall the
mouths belong to them. They have the right to say anything and it may sounds hurtful but
gal, why do you have to bother about them? They maybe jealous or hate you, the problem
with it is SO?? Why do you have to be sensitive to their words? They are trying to hurt your
feelings gal, so you need to be strong. Dont let their words hurt you..
3) Focus more on your studies. Please do remember that your parents have been working hard
to support their living and your studies. Dont forget that you have a father who is sick;
working in order to pay for your fees. No matter what happened between your relationship,
friendship or business, please remember to work hard for your studies. The only thing
matters now is your studies. By any chance, finishing your studies comes first.
4) No one worth your tears. Do not cry for anyone. Have more strength in yourself. Take
every lesson as experience. Learn from mistakes and never repeat the mistakes then.
Human beings grow throughout experience. Dont get fall or numb because of mistakes. Take
them as challenges and you will learn throughout the process. Find the causes and the effects
of the mistakes, once you know both; you are then ready to be in control of the game.
5) Beware of the people around you. You wont know who is the one hiding behind the ugly
mask and who is the one being sincere to you. However, i do know some of my friends are
sincere to me but sometimes, we cant judge a book by its cover. We wont know when the
person right in front of us are being the angel one or the devil one. So in order to play this
horrible game or to stay alive in it, guess you will have to be one of them as what i'm doing
now. You treat me well and i will do the same, if you treat me bad, i will do the same too..
That's what human will do..

Guess this five will be my new year resolution. May edit soon. I dont know.. I'm writing all this because I want to get back to the old Jun. The one who is confident with her life and able to handle everything that comes to her. I'll build her up soon. Dont worry. Will keep you guys up-to-date with her details. sigh.. Nothing to do now, most probably will look for games to play then. Nitez people..

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